:: Womanese, a brief translation

As I continue to explore the finer points of intercommunication, I have stumbled across what might be the biggest discovery since ebonics. There is a hidden language being used by the female gender of H. Sapiens. A language so secret that their male counterparts for centuries have yet to completely understand it. I, for the sake of this article, have dubbed it... womanese.

Here are few snippets from my journal that I have been able to translate:

• "Honey, can you help me with this?"
  "Honey, Can you do this for me as I'm too busy and important to belittle myself with this task."
  
• "Are you going to the kitchen?"
  "Go to the kitchen and bring me some water."
  
• "Honey, I'm out of ideas for dinner. What would you like?"
  "Take me out to dinner as the 101 things in the pantry that I could make are not doing it for me."
  

As you might have noticed that some speakers of womanese give hints to their secret language by prepending words of endearment to the secret message. I can only guess that this is used as a subliminal signal to the male's brain to activate the "Of Course, Dear" portion of the male's brain.


Some speakers of womanese use a different indirect approach:

• "Daddy's going to give you a bath"
  Give her a bath and no complaints as it was your idea
  
• "Do you want to take her upstairs?"
  Take her upstairs and make sure she rides on your back like a pony.
  

Here there are no markers so the listener has to be very careful to listen out for them. Typically they present themselves as suggestions on your behalf that spawn the thought: I am? Wow, she's psychic. I hadn't even had that thought yet but there she is telling it to the world. I should take her to Vegas.

I have uncovered but only the tip of this volumous discovery but by understanding even a small portion of womanese, the male gender of this species puts himself in a precarious position. He is safe if he keeps this knowledge of the language secret but runs the risk of being labeled as "understanding" his female counterpart if he uses it to his advantage. When this does occur a form of punishment is used by the female gender of this species for discovery of this knowledge. Not only is this punishment a form of torture but also serves as a method of producing memory loss. The female takes the males to a large establishment and forces the male to endure hours of walking and sitting as the female exhibits every article of merchandise in these establishments. The mind numbing effect causes a small amount of brain damage which in some cases causes memory loss of said knowledge and in most cases a pavlov effect in the male that deters him from using this knowledge to his advantage again.

With that said, please use this information with great caution and respect. The female species can be cunning, clever and ruthless if provoked. Approach with care.