::Words of Wisdom...
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
"This feels brown."
Suddenly my logical half, we'll call him Mr. Right, springs to action.
"What do you mean this 'feels brown'," he asked, "how could you possibly feel a color?"
"Just what I said, it feels brown. I'm laying here in the dark and everything is black but feeling her hair I can see it being brown."
Mr. Right scoffed. "Perposterous, her hair could be any color and it would feel the same." He was determined to set me straight.
"I don't know, I think if it were blonde or even black it would feel different. Have a different texture. I've even tried to imagine her hair blonde to see if I could fool myself even before making the statement Mr. Right and the result was the same... brown."
He fumed, "You are simply taking what you know to be true and applying it to a sense."
"Yeah, that may be true, but it still feels brown."
Flabbergasted, Mr. Right bid me good night and mumbled something about not letting me stay up so late anymore.
Monday, July 25, 2005
I've been told by my fans (primarily my wife and two kids) that my Banana milkshake is "totally awesome". And while I would certainly like to pride myself on this culinary delight, I can't really take the credit for it. I got the recipe from my wife's grandmother by way of my 8 year old son. You see, he asked me to make him and his sister a banana milkshake "like gramma makes them" on one decidely hot CA day. A day where it actually hit 105 in the partial shade. I thought it was a splendid idea but had no idea how to make them like "gramma" so I asked him, "Just how does Gramma make them?" Which he replied with a seriously perplexed look on his face, "With bananas, duh!" How stupid of me.. of COURSE... BANANAS go in banana milkshakes.. it amazes me at how simple the universe can be at times. We preceded to discuss how to properly make this milkshake to Gramma's specifications and decided on the following procedures:
- 1 banana per person (minus the peel)
- 2 scoops per person of Breyer's Natural Vanilla (the vanilla beans are essential!!)
- 1/2 cup milk per person (more or less depending on how thick you want it)
Blend to your heart's content but I have to warn you. It MUST be Breyer's Natural vanilla. I accidentally used normal vanilla and was meet with great disdain for changing the recipe. And remember if its not Breyer's is not ice cream.*
*This is not a paid advertisement for Breyers, in fact you don't have to use Breyers but Gramma does and Gramma's typically know their shit about food. Just make sure its Natural Vanilla with the vanilla bean specks.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Ok, now to my story.
I'm on a con call with a customer (several employees of customer actually) and a few guys from development and support discussing the current hot issue with customer. I am half way listening as its boring and my engineers are dropping in for quick questions about this and that. The conversation perks my interest when they start speaking about Zombies. Why? I guess because zombies don't usually come up in topics and because of point one above and the dream I had last night. In their context they were speaking about processes being zombied, which is where a process will appear to be running but its really just sitting there (maybe waiting for another process to come by so it can eat the innocent passerby). In my mind, I immediately replay the spotted memory of the dream I had last night (or this morning which would explain why I actually can remember most of it).
The fire spreads uncontrollably, greedily gobbling up the grassy fields of the country side.. over the hill stands the Weapons Testing Lab of Neverwhere. People scramble to fight the fire but its hopeless, in a matter of minutes the lab and last remains of the non-evacuated employees are consumed. Like all good horror flicks the supposedly impossible becomes possible. The frantic employee in charge of securing the lab's secret bioweapon facility forgets to lock down subject X43123 (Z virus). The heat and destruction releases the virus from its containment and is released. Luckily its localized to the lab. Unluckily, there is a survivor who is found and rushed to the local medical facility. Virus is then unleashed savagely upon the unaware public in a matter of hours.. meanwhile, the T family are resting cozily in their beds. For some reason I'm not there, or at least not in scene. I'm aware of it all but from a "director's" point of view. Oddly enough the kids are older, by 5-6 years. Maybe its the future and I'm dead? Anyway. Zombies flood the nearby neighborhood creating chaos... a few attack the house, immediately waking the kids and Mrs. T There are few close calls and when all seems lost, zombies breaking through the barricaded front door... a skylight appears in the ceiling and is broken through by a man dressed in a black hardshell suit.. darn it if it doesn't look like batman only not as buff.. and his mask if off showing off a head of fro-like curls.
Ok this is going from horrific to just plain weird. The stranger does a few ninja like moves and pulls out a set of nunchukas and then turns... its Napoleon Dynamite dress like batman saving my family (where I seem to be absent) from a horde of zombies.
Why I dreamed this I do not know. Any analysis would be welcome.. I can only guess that I've had a lot on my mind and these few items were on the fore front due to their proximity in my timeline of recent events. Either way, I found it very odd to not only have dreamed this but to have remembered it as well.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Here are few snippets from my journal that I have been able to translate:
- "Honey, can you help me with this?"
"Honey, Can you do this for me as I'm too busy and important to belittle myself with this task."
- "Are you going to the kitchen?"
"Go to the kitchen and bring me some water."
- "Honey, I'm out of ideas for dinner. What would you like?"
"Take me out to dinner as the 101 things in the pantry that I could make are not doing it for me."
As you might have noticed that some speakers of womanese give hints to their secret language by prepending words of endearment to the secret message. I can only guess that this is used as a subliminal signal to the male's brain to activate the "Of Course, Dear" portion of the male's brain.
Some speakers of womanese use a different indirect approach:
- "Daddy's going to give you a bath"
Give her a bath and no complaints as it was your idea
- "Do you want to take her upstairs?"
Take her upstairs and make sure she rides on your back like a pony.
Here there are no markers so the listener has to be very careful to listen out for them. Typically they present themselves as suggestions on your behalf that spawn the thought: I am? Wow, she's psychic. I hadn't even had that thought yet but there she is telling it to the world. I should take her to Vegas.
I have uncovered but only the tip of this volumous discovery but by understanding even a small portion of womanese, the male gender of this species puts himself in a precarious position. He is safe if he keeps this knowledge of the language secret but runs the risk of being labeled as "understanding" his female counterpart if he uses it to his advantage. When this does occur a form of punishment is used by the female gender of this species for discovery of this knowledge. Not only is this punishment a form of torture but also serves as a method of producing memory loss. The female takes the males to a large establishment and forces the male to endure hours of walking and sitting as the female exhibits every article of merchandise in these establishments. The mind numbing effect causes a small amount of brain damage which in some cases causes memory loss of said knowledge and in most cases a pavlov effect in the male that deters him from using this knowledge to his advantage again.
With that said, please use this information with great caution and respect. The female species can be cunning, clever and ruthless if provoked. Approach with care.
Friday, July 15, 2005
So it takes me all day even after logging a critical ticket with our internal MIS first thing this morning to get this "not-quite-latest-technology-but-as-good-as-we-are-ging-to-get" laptop, but its not bad.
At least know I can sit and make a depression to match Mrs. T's on the other side of the couch.
Just thought I'd share.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Friday, July 08, 2005
So if you will all gather 'round and join me in a moment of silence....
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Enter the bug magnet, otherwise known as my wife. She is the only person I know that can douse herself in the strongest pesticides known to man and STILL get a bug bite. The two of us could be standing side by side, me clean of any sprays, oils, etc and she doused as usual... SHE will be target of the bloodsucking tyrants of the forest. And of course to top it off, she's just a tad bit allergic. Go figure.
So needless to say the extent of our camping experiences are in the single digits and involve lodges that are a short car ride to the nearest Piggly Wiggly. Now don't get me wrong, there are some hidden advantages to this... I get to do all the gardening (like to garden) and yard work (which may be machoismo of me but I think is a man's job anyway.) So I do get my nature fix but that's about the extent of it.
To her credit, she's been sporting the idea of actually going camping.. real camping but I think its more for my sake than her actual enjoyment of it. But I have yet to get any equipment out of fear that it will sit in the garage with the other artifacts of outdoor enjoyment. *Sigh* So now you can see why I would be envious of the Garden knitter. She is doing what I can only dream of doing. But I'm ok with that. I can live vicariously through her simply because my bug magnet is actually willing to put herself at the mercy of the "let's eat Mrs. T for dinner" bug club for the sake of allowing me one night/weekend of enjoyment. You can't look at that and not say, "Wow, that's great."
Maybe I'll take her up on her willingness one day, when the weather's right and she's recovered from her upcoming tonsilectomy. Who knows maybe she'll enjoy it despite the bugs and will want to make it a regular holiday for us. Right, and on that same day, I'll find the golden ticket to Will Wonka's chocolate factory. Wheeee!!